Helio/Silver

[JAGuar]

Okay, here's this new book I've been working on. I wrote all this up in like 20 minutes, so be kind.
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The masked figure continued to jump from rooftop to rooftop in an attempt to identify the scream that he had previously heard. He finally came to the rooftop of the Antler Inn. In Cheryth, they were famous for dear and moose meat and the Antler Inn was the busiest brewery in the whole city. In front of the inn, the masked figure saw the all-too-common passed out drunks, with beer bottles still in hand, on the sidewalk.
What he didn’t expect to see, however, was the two guards herding away what appeared to be a lovely lady. The masked figure shouted a scream of excitement, in his head of course. He did not want to be discovered until he was ready.

“Let me go! Let me go!” The lady screamed at her captors. They appeared to be two of the King’s guard.
The masked figure understood this was his cue. He jumped down off the roof into the alley behind the building and walked out to the area of the commotion, making sure to take his mask off as he went.

“What’s going on here?” The figure asked.

“These bloody gits are trying to arrest me.” The woman said, venomously.

“She is suspected of high treason to the King of Cheryth. Lord Omnial.” The first guard said.

“Well, you can tell Lord Omnial that I, his assistant, Sir Galtriad, have returned from battle and I can personally vouch for this lovely young lady.” The figure said.

“More like lovely young wench…” the second guard muttered.

“You would do well, sir, to hold your tongue,” the figure warned, “or I may have to take care of you myself,” he finished, drawing his dagger.

“With a dagger?” The second guard said, laughing. “And what are you gonna do with a dagger against a broad sword, sir Galtriad, lord I’ve never heard of.”

“After two straight years of war, you think I’d hesitate to end your useless life for a second?” The figure, threatened.

“Let’s just go,” the first guard said, pleading.

“Yeah, fine,” the second conceded, “you’re lucky that my friend here saved you from me. You should be thanking him.”

Both guards turned and walked away from the empty street.

“Yeah, it looks like Omnial doesn’t train his knights very well anymore,” the figure said.

“Well, I appreciate you helping me, kind sir,” the lady said, “what was your name again?”

“…Galtried.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t Galtriad?”

“Okay, you caught me,” he said, giving up, “I’m not really a servant of the court.”

“Well, may I inquire as to what exactly you are?” she asked.

“The name’s Bale, I’m a merchant.”

“There aren’t many merchants here this time of year, Bale.”

“Yeah, well, I’m special.”

“Are you now?” The woman asked. “I would say by the posture and little showing of any skin, and the poorly hidden face mask that you would be a spy.”

“Very perceptive of you,” the man said, genuinely impressed, “now may I have the name of the first person to figure me out before I wanted them to? I’m the best in the business you know, and it always hurts when others below you find out that you screwed up in front of someone that’s not of the same profession.”

“Very well,” she said, “my name is Silver. And what’s yours?”

“Bale shall do for now,” the man answered.

“It matters not,” Silver started, “can you escort me to the king’s palace, Bale?”

“Follow my lead,” Bale said, holding out his hand.

[Ahryantah]

Ah, JAG. I'll get to this soon.

[Maddik]

How long ago did she say that? Is she actually gonna get to it? Or is she just threatening you?

[JAGuar]

“I think I can stand up on my own, thank you very much,” Silver said, pushing past Bale.

“Whatever you wish, m’lady,” Bale said mockingly. Silver turned around and glared at him.

“Well?” She asked, waiting to be led to the castle.

“Fine,” Bale said, walking off down a street, “try to keep up, I don’t want to lose you.”

Silver followed Bale as he dodged through an interwoven system of streets and alleys. She thought of this place as a maze and knew that if she were alone she never would have found the castle. She took a look at Bale and wondered exactly what Bale was really doing. It couldn’t have possibly taken this long to get to the castle, especially in a city the size of Cheryth.

“Are you lost?” She asked jokingly after yet another turn. Bale stopped suddenly and turned around.

“Are you concerned,” he asked, extending his arm to show the castle.

“For a second I thought you lost yourself,” Silver said,
walking past him, “thank you for leading me.”

“There is the matter of paying me back,” Bale said, stepping in front of Silver.

“You never told me that I had to repay this act,” Silver said, trying to get around him. Bale blocked her path and stood there.

“Okay, what do you want?” Silver asked.

“I don’t want money,” Bale said, stepping to the side, “I just require your aid.”

“My aid in what?”

“I have to kill the king,” Bale said truthfully. Silver looked at him and realized that he was not joking. Bale was really planning to kill the king.

“Was this planned the whole time, then?” Silver asked.

“No, I never plan ahead,” Bale said modestly, “but as soon as I chased those guards away, my mind got cooking.
That’s why I took the long way, so that I could fully draw out my plans. Did you even realize that I led you around the city for three and a half hours? Or were you too busy wondering if I was single?”

“I was thinking no such thing,” Silver said, outraged, “you’re full of yourself.”

Bale shrugged, “Oh well, worth a shot. So here’s the plan-.”

“There is no plan,” Silver said quickly, “at least not one involving me. I shall not take part in the assassination of a king!”

“Now, see,” Bale said, shaking his head slowly, “the way you word it makes it sound so…bad. Assassination…I’d like to think of it more as…murder. Why is it that all the famous people are assassinated and the little guys are just…murdered-killed even?”

“You’re crazy,” Silver said, her eyes widening.

“That may be,” Bale said, “but killing the king would be the sanest thing I’ve ever done.”

“How could killing King Omnial possibly be sane,” Silver asked, taking a step backwards, “you’d be hanged by morning.”

“Nah,” Bale said, pushing the comment aside, “everyone in this town hates Omnial too much to care if he dies.”

“Even so,” Silver said, “I refuse to help you.”

In the time it took Silver to blink, Bale jumped behind her, tugged her right arm behind her back, and stuck a knife into her rib.

“Now, I’ve asked nicely,” Bale said slowly, making sure every word sunk in, “and you’ve said no. I wont ask nicely again. You’re going to help me and you’re not going to say one thing to tip off the king.”

Silver rolled her eyes, “Men…”

“Men is right,” Bale said, mistaking her tone for one of fear, “now are you going to play nicely? Or am I going to have to be more persuasive?”

Silver felt the knife push harder against her.

“It would be unwise to underestimate me,” Silver said with a tone of warning in her voice.

“And why’s that?”

Just as fast as Bale made his move, Silver tugged with a force that sent Bale flying backwards, dropping his knife. She picked it up and held it threateningly.

“How did you do that?” He asked; breath knocked out of him.

“Things aren’t always what they seem,” she answered mystically.

“Okay, you’ve made your point,” Bale said, holding his hands above his head, “now I’ll lie down on the ground and you can walk away backwards slowly and we can forget that we ever met each other.”

“How do you know I wont kill you?”

“Because sometimes things are what they seem to be,” Bale said, hoping Silver would not call his bluff. He knew that he couldn’t afford to die. Not before he avenged his brother.

To Bale’s luck Silver fell for the trick. She threw the knife down on the ground. She took two slow steps backward, then turned around and ran away. Bale got up and picked up his knife and set off to chase her down. This was where his plan hit him in the gut though. He ran along the alley she took only to come to an intersection with three other roads leading out from his. He had no idea where she went; it was like she disappeared.

“Dammit,” he said softly into the night. After a moment’s hesitation, he turned back around and headed back towards the castle. He was determined to get the job done, no matter what.

[Ahryantah]

The masked figure continued to jump from rooftop to rooftop in an attempt to identify the scream that he had previously heard. - This is a good starting place, but the sentence is kind of awkward. Here's an exercise for you, JAG - every time you use the word "had," bang your head against the wall. Eventually you'll stop using it so damn much.

In Cheryth, they were famous for dear and moose meat - Who is "they"? And "deer" meat is called venison.

The masked figure shouted a scream of excitement, in his head of course. - Why is he so excited? And maybe there's a better way for him to be silently excited - like saying that he sat up straighter or held his breath or something.

“Let me go! Let me go!” The lady screamed at her captors. They appeared to be two of the King’s guard. - You have to watch this because Word capitalizes automatically, but since "the lady screamed" is a tag, "the" needs to be lowercase. Also, maybe combine these two sentences together to make them less choppy.

“What’s going on here?” The figure asked. - See above concerning dialogue tags.

“These bloody gits are trying to arrest me.” The woman said, venomously. Comma instead of a period at the end of the dialogue. You always put a comma instead of a period at the end of dialogue ONLY WHEN there is a dialogue tag immediately following. Go through and fix these. Second, decap "the woman." Finally, no comma before "venomously."

“She is suspected of high treason to the King of Cheryth. Lord Omnial.” The first guard said. - Okay, who is Lord Omnial? The king? If so, wouldn't his proper title be "King" or "His Highness" or something like that? Plus, should there be a comma instead of a period before the name?

“You would do well, sir, to hold your tongue,” the figure warned, “or I may have to take care of you myself,” he finished, drawing his dagger. - I think having two tags here is excessive. Pick one or the other. Keep the dagger thing, though.

And what are you gonna do with a dagger against a broad sword, sir Galtriad, lord I’ve never heard of.” - I think broadsword is one word. And there's some funky capitalization going on. When used as part of a name, "Sir" should be capitalized. I think "Lord" should be capped, too, but I'm not sure what you're saying so I don't know.

“Yeah, fine,” the second conceded, - "Yeah" sounds really modern for this story.

the poorly hidden face mask - "poorly-hidden"

“It matters not,” Silver started, - I will once again register my hatred for this tag. What the hell does "started" mean, anyway?

Okay, I think that's enough to get you started. Keep at it.

[JAGuar]

King Omnial was by no means a fair ruler. He presided over his kingdom with an iron fist and expressed no signs of mercy towards his citizens. Now in his 40’s, Omnial has finally discovered his own mortality. He’s nowhere near dying, his physicians assure him of that, but he finds that sometimes his joints will just refuse to do things. He also finds it hard to keep up energy like when he was a child.
With this new knowledge, Omnial became even worse than before, raising the taxes on his kingdom. The citizens of Cheryth became angered by this action. He knew of many assassination attempts on his life. It didn’t matter to him though. If it was his time to die, he would do so with dignity, or so he convinced himself.

One day though, the citizens went too far.

They sent two men to complete the job. It didn’t concern him too much when he discovered them and laid down his trap. Before they made the attempt on his life, they voiced the names of all the people who hired them. Omnial knew at that instant that those two were professional assassins and not just two town drunks.
He immediately came to the conclusion to make an example. Not only did he order both of the assassin’s deaths, he ordered the arrest and torture of every person’s name mentioned on the list the assassins gave him.

This helped him a little on just how immortal he might be. So what if he was getting old, no one could kill him. Not with all the power he’s gained.

At this point, Omnial was sitting in his chamber, looking over a map of the neighboring Yerin Territory. They were in the midst of a revolution and this was the perfect opportunity for Omnial to step in with his soldiers and claim domain.

Omnial was not a fool though, the king knew that with a force as small as his, it would be hard to penetrate even the smallest city and win successfully. That’s why he had it planned down to the last man on how the conversion of the throne of Yerin would happen.

What am I doing? He asked himself, looking up from the map, the plan is fail-safe, nothing wrong could possibly happen.

He stood up and walked towards his window. He checked the courtyard for signs of any beggars. He hadn’t released his dogs in a while.

That’s when he jumped at movement by the pond. He looked and saw a branch land on the ground.

It is windy outside, he convinced himself, closing his window and heading back towards his map, my old eyes are just playing tricks on me.

After convincing himself satisfactorily, Omnial put out his torch and crawled in his bed. A few moments later and Omnial heard what sounded like a sword being drawn. He immediately re-lit his torch and looked around the room.
He was alone and everything was untouched. He looked at his table and noticed the ink holder beside the map had spilled. He got up and checked out the scene, noting that the map was ruined.

“Pir!” He shouted, “Get me another map, quick!”

He waited for the common “Yes, sir,” from his most trusted guard but did not hear it. He heard a thump in the hall outside his door. He ran over to the door as quick as his old tired legs would allow him and opened it.

He looked all around the hall and saw nothing. Pir was nowhere to be found. He looked on the floors and walls for some sign of Pir’s death. After making sure no one was in the hall, he stepped further out to investigate. Satisfied, he convinced himself that Pir just left without adding the unnecessary babble that guards love to give. He started to turn back towards his room.

The door to his room slammed shut.
What the…, he thought, checking if the door was locked. He opened it and looked into the room. It was empty.

Then how did the door close?

He looked over at the window and saw it was open. He walked over to it.

“I thought I closed you,” he said half humorously. After all, he was safe. He had plenty to be relieved about. He closed the window again and latched it shut.

At the exact same time, all the light in the room was diminished. He grabbed the torch that was next to the window on the wall.

Once he lit it he noticed that the window was open again. He turned around and saw the door open as well.
What the hell is going on?

He went to close the door. He turned back around to close the window again only to see that it was already closed. He turned to open his door again and realized that it would not open. Something was keeping it shut tight. He turned around and stared into his seemingly empty chamber.

“I know you’re out there,” he yelled, “now stop being a coward and show yourself, assassin!”

Nothing happened.

“Show yourself!”

Still, nothing happened. Omnial started laughing uncontrollably. He leaned against the door.

“There’s no one there,” he said, still half-laughing, “there’s no one there.”

He took a deep breath and headed back to his bed. He saw a lump under the covers.

Or is there, he thought, quietly taking his sword off the mantle on his wall. He raised it above his head and in one quick stroke, stabbed right into what would be the midsection of his attempted assassin. He saw the blood and was satisfied. He got to kill so few people with his own hands nowadays.

“I must be immortal,” he said softly to himself, “after all these attempts, I have to be.”

[Ahryantah]

“Well?” She asked, waiting to be led to the castle. - Watch for capitalization again. Also, this is tell-y. Bale can't read her mind, so what is she doing that makes him think she's waiting to be led to the castle? They way she's looking at him? The way she's standing or fidgeting? Give these details.

She thought of this place as a maze and knew that if she were alone she never would have found the castle. She took a look at Bale and wondered exactly what Bale was really doing. It couldn’t have possibly taken this long to get to the castle, especially in a city the size of Cheryth. - Whose POV are we in? Silver's or Bale's? Because I think you should pick one or the other. Also, I thought Cheryth was a large city?

“Are you concerned,” he asked, - There should be a question mark, since he asked a question.

“I have to kill the king,” Bale said truthfully. Silver looked at him and realized that he was not joking. Bale was really planning to kill the king. - In light of this, you don't need "truthfully." It slips into Bale's POV, and you say right after that Silver realizes he's telling the truth.

“Now, see,” Bale said, shaking his head slowly, “the way you word it makes it sound so…bad. Assassination…I’d like to think of it more as…murder. Why is it that all the famous people are assassinated and the little guys are just…murdered-killed even?” - I like this bit of dialogue. Punctuation's kind of screwy, though. Look over it.

“Now, I’ve asked nicely,” Bale said slowly, making sure every word sunk in, “and you’ve said no. I wont ask nicely again. You’re going to help me and you’re not going to say one thing to tip off the king.” Why does he want her to help him so badly?

“Men is right,” Bale said, mistaking her tone for one of fear, PICK A HEAD AND STAY IN IT.

“How did you do that?” He asked; breath knocked out of him. - Comma instead of semicolon.

“Things aren’t always what they seem,” she answered mystically. DIE ADVERB DIE

“How do you know I wont kill you?” - Apostrophe keys get lonely when you don't use them.

To Bale’s luck Silver fell for the trick. *cries in sympathy for the narrative, which must be getting very tired hopping from one head to the other*

Bale got up and picked up his knife - "up" is repeated twice too close together.

Okay, this was a good scene, and introduces some intriguing information. I think you need to pick which character's POV you want to tell this scene in and stick with it. That makes the narrative easier to follow, anyway. Not that there's anything wrong with third person omniscient. Actually, there is. I don't like it. But I'd like to read more of this story.

[Member26]

how many stories are you writing?

[LadyintheShadows]

I think that the story is going very well so far. I am intrigued, to say the least.