1st Section to Air Force

[JAGuar]

"Okay, what the hell is going on here!" John shouted, "I don't know how you guys kill aliens in the air force, but let me tell you something! We are gonna get off our asses and stop these sons of bitches! I just wasted 4 hours of my life with you losers and quite frankly, I'd rather die then have to spend anymore time then what is absolutely necessary with you people!" He shouted, then turning towards Brent, "Especially that dumbass!

"Now, everybody get to their defensive positions. Lance, you take the right side of the hall, Will, you the left. Sarah and I will try to talk to the creatures("Dammit!" Sarah shouted uncontrollably, "Sorry.") and maybe convince them to leave in peace. Dave, you back up Lance and Will in case bullets don't work against these bastards. And Joseph," he said, staring at 6'2 black man, "better stick with Dave.

"And Brent!" he stumbled, "....Um...um...Buy yourself a drink! Okay, any questions?"

Brent raised his hand.

"Yes, Brent?" John asked slowly.

"Did you say "peas"?"

"That's perfect!" Sarah shouted, "Thanks to some random interaction by the writer, I happen to have a trace of the alien's DNA. I took the liberty of testing it while you were melting down the nickel, John. Sorry I didn't tell any of you before, but it wasn't significant to the plotline yet. It says that the aliens that we are facing are actually allergic to peas!"

"Wait..." John started, "They're allergic to peas, but they fly around with cans of pea soup in their ship...? How does that make any sense?"

"I don't know," Sarah started, "ask the stupid teenagers who are writing this thing."

[MovieManiac]

"Wait!: said Joesph. "What if we were to place a bomb inside the ship right next to the cans of pea soup? If the aliens were evil, we could detinate it!."

"Did anyone actually think aboot how aliens could get products made on Earth?" asked Sarah.

"Who cares," said Lance. "Lets get that bomb on the ship. Two of us will go."

"Ok," said Will. "Just in case someone doesn't make it, we'll send Brent. ("HEY!") And we'll also send.........Joesph, um, since it was his idea for the bomb."

"Hell no!" said Joesph. "Your not doin it cause it was my idea! Youre doin it because i'm black! Oh, lets sacrafice the black guy!"

"Good thinking Joesph," said John. "Now lets move to our positions!"

"Now wait a minute..."

[JAGuar]

"Yes?" Will asked, turning around.

"This is so cliche. You're gonna introduce a black guy into the storyline full of white people and basically ignore him until the time that he comes up with a brilliant plan that will sacrifice somebody, then you make him go on his thought-up suicide mission! Well, I don't see the point in that. Dave's a 3 dozen blackbelt or whatever the f*ck, why can't he use his god damn ninja skills to flip in there and do it? Or Brent, he's freaking huge! Look at him, he's the size of one of those aliens!"

"You're right!" Lance said, "Instead of sending Joseph, we'll send in Brent and Dave."

"Thank you!" But, we have to send in a third party, or it will be jinxed." Brent insisted.

"You're right!" Will shouted, "Let's send...."

*At the same time*

Will: "Lance!"

Lance: "John!"

John: "Will!"

All: "Dammit!"

*Same time simulation over*

"Well, it looks like we're all going." Sarah said.

"No, you aren't going." Joseph said.

"Why, because I'm a girl?"

"Actually..." Joseph started, "Yeah."

"Oh," she said, "okay."

[MovieManiac]

So Sarah and Joesph stayed behind as our other 5 heroes slowly approached the ship.

Lance snuck in the main door to the ship.

As the other 4 waited outside, they listened for an answer.

Brent looked behind him, and saw that, ironicly, 3 aliens were sneaking into their headquarters.

"The coast is clear," whispered Lance.

They all snuck inside and saw thousands of cans of pea soup. They saw a device much like a refridgerator, opened it, and saw many bags of frozen peas.

"I'd guess theyre trying to get all the peasthey can so they cant be used against them" said Dave.

Meanwhile, John planted the device within the huge pile of pea soup. They snuck back to the front of the ship and started to run back to headquarters.

[JAGuar]

On the way to headquarters, they ran into the three aliens that tried to sneak in. Brent and Dave had taken them out, but in the process blacked out from pain.

"Forget about them!" Lance shouted.

"No!" Will started, "I ruined my career by leaving men behind! I wont do it again!" And with an urge of strength, Will picked up Brent and Dave and started back towards headquarters.

[Ahryantah]

He'd only taken two steps, however, before the combined weight of the two men caused him to crumple to the ground. As he fell he heard his ankle snap.

Now there were three fallen, and only two able-bodied men.

"Will, you idiot!" yelled Lance. "We're not far enough away from the bomb yet! It's set to go off in three minutes!"

"I'm sorry guys, for leading you to your death," Will sobbed, more from the pain in his ankle than anything else.

"Who said we were gonna die?" asked John. "You're the one who's hurt." He started back toward headquarters.

"Hey!" yelled Will. "You can't just leave me here! You don't leave men behind! I would stay if it was you!"

"Sorry, Will, but the fact is, I'm a coward," said John. "And if you'll excuse me, I have some running off with my tail between my legs to do."

Will fumbled around for his gun, intending to shoot John before he got too far away.

At that moment Joseph and Sarah showed up. "And so the black man saves the day," said Joseph, picking up Dave and Brent and throwing them over each shoulder.

"And the woman," said Sarah, quickly putting a splint on Will's ankle so that he could walk.

"All right, guys, let's get out of here!" cried Lance.

[MovieManiac]

Everyone was trying to et away as fast as they could suddenly, there was a huge crackle.

"How long did you set that bomb for?" asked Sarah.

"About 2 minutes," said Brent. "Why do you ask?"

Suddenly a huge explosion came from behind them all. As they turned, a huge green gyser sprouted from the spaceship. Before they could turn away, they found themselves covered in expired pea soup.

"Well," said John, spitting pea soup from his mouth. "I guess thats the end."

[JAGuar]

Before they got very far, however, a very big, very mean alien had snuck up behind the vulnerable group. Lance was behind the rest with Brent, Joseph, and Dave in the middle while Sarah and Will were in the back.

None of them had any time to do anything when the alien knocked Lance towards the building, causing him to black out.

The five had tried to speed up, but it wasn't working. The alien had gotten to Sarah and Will as well.

Now, time was running out for the three fighters, it was drawing near.

"Shit!" Joseph shouted, "And this is the part where the black guy dies! Well, I hope you're happy that you finally managed my death!"

The alien had pulled it's arm back, preparing to strike, 'this is it.' Dave thought, closing his eyes. The other two closed their eyes as well, waiting for the inevitable.

...

...

Dave slowly opened his eyes, just in time to hear Brent say, "Are we dead yet?"

Dave looked at the ground and saw the alien twisting it's mangled shape around.

"But what could have done it?" Joseph asked, noticing the alien as well.

"Hey!" Brent shouted, "Pea soup! It's raining pea soup!"

"It's not raining pea soup...." Joseph started, but realized that he did have pea soup all over him, then looking at the alien, noticed it was on him as well.

That was when John came running up.

"Thank God you guys are safe," he said out of breath, "I wasn't sure if the pea soup cannon would have worked."

"I thought you ran away...." Joseph said, staring at him.

"Oh, I did," John started, "but halfway to the headquarters I realized that I was being the cliched coward in those sci-fi movies and that I would have to prove myself worthy in the end. I hate being that character!"

"How'd you know where we would be?" Brent asked.

"Well," John explained, "in my heroic moment of struggle, I had extra time to make a couple of things, the pea soup launcher and a tracking device for you guys. I had already put one in Brent's head without anyone's knowledge, and I didn't think I should have told you because I figured you all would have been dead by the time I got here."

[MovieManiac]

"So why did we nedd a pea soup cannon if we were already covered in pea soup?" asked Joesph.

"Um," said Will. "I'm not really sure."

There was a moment of silence until everyone broke out in laughter.

[JAGuar]

"Well, you guys weren't covered in pea soup until I shot the pea soup over you." John pointed out.

The music playing in the background came to a screeching halt.

Everyone turned and stared at John for a minute.

John turned towards the camera and said to the audience,
"Oh well, if you can't beat em, join em."

"What I meant to say," John started over, "was...I'm not too sure either."

Everyone at headquarters stared at him for a while before they started laughing and the music had come on again.

THE END

[Maddik]

OH MY GOD! I nearly peed my pants. Hey, MM, you're pretty funny. I was wrong to ever threaten your life. You're cool in my book.

Well, what are we going to do now? Start a second section?

[MovieManiac]

yeah, y not. but i suck at startin stories, so someone else needs to do it in a new thread.

[JAGuar]

Wait! Don't forget the credits!

Starring:
Freddy Prince Jr. as Will Sharp
Michael Shanks as John Smith
Orlando Bloom as Lance Black
Sean William Scott as Dave Zacauski
Vin Diesel as Brent Lee
J. August Richards as Joseph Stall
Renee Zellwegger as Sarah Parker

With:
Samuel L. Jackson as General Wesley T. Shark
Matthew Broderick as Computer Technician Rogers
Ryan Stiles as Man Who Walked Through Computer Room
Christopher Walken as Man Who Liked the U.S. Airforce
Remaining Members of the Original Cast of SNL as Aliens

Special Appearances by:
Josh Gibson as Wild Thing
Zach Verret as Sharp Eye
Andy Gibson as Firestarter
Luke Recker as Tien
Christina Aguilera as Actress Who Played Rose in Titanic

And Conan O'Brien as the head alien.

[KWG 14]

Orlando Bloom? Why do I have to be the f*ckin fag?

[JAGuar]

Because you're blond, british, and the pretty boy. Who else fits that description? And don't say the kid who plays Draco Malfoy!